OK i have to say this(and pardon my french).........MY EX-GIRLFRIEND IS A FUCKIN BITCH. I'm sorry but there's just no getting around that fact, and fact it is ladies and gentlemen, written in stone...somewhere in some sick land where they mass produce her species. I happen to stumble onto her AA page last week(cuz it sure seems like she checks mine every damn week..god knows why..) and saw this lovely message on her site......

" Isn`t it awesome when everything comes together?
The epiphany is that all the bullshit you endured
in the past makes you ready for the one. Result?
Perfect harmony. "

Now if THAT isn't the most ironic and hypocritical statement in the world.........jesus can someone choke me please??! now!!? For those few ppl who actually read this and know what the fuck i'm talking about, i'm sure you'll agree...Is there no justice in this world?? "sigh" Boy i sure hope what goes around comes around.....

So i woke up this morning to my new WELLS FARGO BANK STATEMENT in the mail...yay(fuck). The checking reads as follows.....$234.56. W T F!!!! Now this actually seems kinda funny to me becasuse i could of sworn at the beginning of the year..ohhh around Jan. i had two extra zeros behind that figure. (the little man in my head says its a misprint....i'm starting to realize the little man might be retarded...) Now we all know that denial is BLISS...but jesus fuckin H christ !! i think my sadistic reality has hit me right smack in the freakin forehead...or nuts. OK. Eric......let me get this straight 16,000+ in 8 months, been jobless now for almost 2 months, haven't had a GF now in 9 months, haven't had SEX in 6 months........DID I MENTION I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN 6 FUCKIN MONTHS!! 6 months wow....someone give me a cookie cuz i'm sure i've won some kind of fuckin award somewhere.....

Yes yes, i know... its been a while since i've enriched all your lives with my little gems, but hey....honestly there hasn't been much to write about........i mean besides the flatline in my dating life(i currently live in the 'death valley" of dating...rent's cheap out here in the valley) me and my friends have pretty much done nothing......................... but CLUB.

Which brings me to the subject of this little rant. Now that i have my merit badge in LA clubs(you earn these badges of irony at the end of each month when you're doing your bills & you've realized how much $$$ you've blew going out....which is immediatly followed by sobbing) , i like to share with you some universal truths that exist out there in clubland......

1. WE ASIANS FUCK UP EVERYTHING - this is pretty self-explanatory, i mean we can all agree that the best kind of clubs are mixed clubs, not too many of one particular uhmmm "color"...but for some reason we asians are like locus....HOT club, GREAT vibe and then is slowly week by week devoured and run over by the asian plauge(translation: lots of 5' 6"little asian guys with white wife-beaters running around) end result....NOT-SO-HOT club, TERRIBLE vibe.......i have a theory on this though....i mean take ME for example....hey, i'm a pretty kool asian guy to hangout with(i love myself)good looking, easy to get along with, great sense of humor(this is where all of you nod) but if you were to clone me...and then for ex. there would be 3 or 4 of me where ever i went....jesus! Even i would get hella annoyed at and wanna choke ME....it's just overkill...so in other words a few asians...GOOD...lots of asians....NO GOOD

2. IF YOU'RE UGLY, DON'T DANCE - ok here's the math........UGLY person + dancing + sweat = UGLY sweaty dancing. Learn it, memorize it, its like your ABC's ok?

3. STAY AWAY FROM CHATTERS, SWEATERS, AND SAME SEX MASSAGERS - take your pick of what's worst......everyone's different i know but when you're on "vitamins" everyone's got something that bugs the shit outta ya........(THE CHATTER) you've had a long week and just wanna e-tard away in your own little world, but for some damn reason the person you're sitting next to won't shut the fuck up! yadda yadda yadda....he/'she goes on and on while you sit there and look at them imagining how their face would look if you shoved your fist down his/her mouth..........(THE SWEATER) you're chilling standing there, looking cool and all of a sudden your friend who has been dancing for 3 hours straight because he didn't do his/her cardio the past week decides to come hug you, cuz you're SUCH a good friend! yay! When he/she finally decides to detach......well, just go get a napkin or paper towel, k?........(THE MASSAGER) hey i'm not homophobic, but the last thing i need is some guy rubbing my shoulders and such asking me how i feel or if i'm rollin.....ok "dirty uncle" i'm fine, now get your grubby hands off me!

4. WHEN PICKING UP ON A GIRL, ALWAYS ALWAYS HAVE A WINGMAN - This is cruical !! I mean think about it, if you were on a plane that's about to crash, would you want to be the ONLY one in that motherfucker? HELL NO !! You would want all your friends there, so you can all go down in flames ..TOGETHER. = ) So make sure you bring a good and reliable wingman where ever you go. But make sure he knows how to "fly". Cuz in case you gotta eject for some damn reason, he better know WTF he's doing..............Or buddy, you ain't getting those digits. No matter how much "Cool Water" you poured on yourself before you left.........


So there you have if folks...just a couple of facts to keep in mind, next time you're out on the town...HAPPY HUNTING.

(WARNING...the following contains events based on FICTION........uhmm well partly.)

Yes i’m 27, Taiwanese, damn good-looking, got a great future........AND (drumroll....) I’M FUCKIN SINGLE!!? Don’t ask me why....shit happens(i tell myself i’m holding out for China Chow) . I do sometimes blame it on the city where i live. L fuckin A. Ohhh yeah...the city of beauiful women, fast cars and every other asian girl is required by law... to have implants. I mean synthetic girls in a synthetic town i guess...what can you say. So for all of you who DON’T live in LA, i’m gonna give you a sample of the euphoria of dating life in the city of “angels”(and i use that word grudgingly)

EPISODE 1 ( The 'details' of my past weak, uhmm i mean week.....ahh here goes.)

Sat 3/10: So me and(lets just call this person..Damn) Ms.Damn are having lunch, so i pick her up...bunch of mindless small talk, chit chat, the flirting starts...lunch on 3rd St.....my cost $64 bucks with tip.(bearable)

Sun 3/11: Ms.Damn agrees to meet for lunch AGAIN, and i'm thinking, "hey this might be a damn good week" More flirting, she shows me her modeling pics, and half way through flipping the pages i get this "ache" between my legs or was it a itch? ahhh anyways actual skin to skin contact is achieved....i get a hug. My cost for the hug....$43 bucks for lunch at beverly hills(still bearable)

Mon 3/12 : Dinner...THE Dinner, this is the dinner in the dating ritual where EVERYTHING could go your way..or i could go home after and sleep with my body pillow for the next month again ....not good. So we're waiting for our table at the bar and Ms.Damn all of a sudden develops a negative reaction to alcohol...OMG pleaseeeee. So while she sips on a drink with less alcohol % than my morning pee....i (very smoothly i might add) tell the bartender to pour us some shots , strong shots mind you, but of course she would think they're on the 'house'. Plans works like a charm and she downs 2 shots and is buzzing like a fire alarm b4 we even sit down to eat. LOTS of touching and flirting during dinner.....at this point i'm feeling like i just hit my 4-game parlay!! My cost for instant bliss , $125 for sushi in Santa Monica(not so bearable, but i was too drunk/horny to notice)

Tues 3/13 : Ms Daamn agrees to come over for dinner, and i'm thinking "I'm a lucky dog, whrooffff" She tells me 8:30.... so i'm busting the scented Pier 1 candles out, i'm pickin the mood music, changing the sheets(word of advice here.....don't get ahead of yourself) pick up the food......and i wait. And wait..................and wait. its 5 till 10 and at this point i now know what it's like to be a housebitch, i mean housewife...waiting for her man to come home for dinner...OUCH. She shows up 15 min later and to make the long story short, we end up in my bed(surprise) but my first dose of BLUE BALLS is handed to me on a sliver platter........"sigh" The
cost for my poor genitals......$26 dollars for the thai food but i'm throwing in the damn good for nothing candles becasue they were new($23)

Wed 3/14 : ME at HER house.......hee heheehee I'm thinking 2nite's the nite. Oh yeah baby, No girl can say NO to the LOVE machine two nites in a row , right? I mean come on.............uhmmm right??? Well turns out this girl has a degree in "NO" and GOOD OL' Mr BLUE BALLS cmes knockin again......so while she's lying there butt naked, she starts telling me how she's falling for me and getting really really attached and she's scared, and yadda yadda yadda (which is all i heard from that point on) cuz nex thing i know she's dead asleep and i actaully start thinking with my head..the real head. Do i really want to be with this girl?? i mean REALLY??!(the little man in my head screams "NOOO!") well needless to say i start to panic and my stomache starts to feel funny and that added to Mr. Penis being ticked off...i start to freakout(internally)......i bolt on her at the crack of dawn...MS Damn was not amused..........My cost for the nite....besides the $ 5 bucks for gas...shit i was considering myself lucky not to lose what I loved most...being "ERIC" (close one) jk ppl.....

Thurs 3/15 : Well a pissed off Ms.DAMN demands an explaination and uhmmm i kinda give her a watered-down version of one so she was somewhat satisfied...i think, but she decides that we should NOT see each other tonite that way I could think about things....(at this point Mr.Penis cussing me out)....so no action/cost this nite...which at this point i still dunno if that's was a good thing or not..........

Fri 3/16 : ok we're gonna speed things up a bit...........so-called fashion show with her friends...turns out to be a strip club(she had no idea..i had no complaints) Dinner with her friends...they ask if we're an "item" i said ..uhmmm forget what i said but all i remember hearing was " oh ok..cuz we always have to ask, you know..i mean she's with a different guy everytime we see her...." at this point i feel like going home and hugging my body pillow...... My cost for humulation.........$70 for korean food....im soooo sick of korean food! P.S. BLUE BALLS #3...ain't life grand??

Sat 3/17 : Birthday nite...BIG NITE BABY....my nite,nothing can or will go wrong tonite.......i mean its my goddamnmotherfuckin B-day! (translation : she's gotta give it up tonite) fast forward.......we're in bed.........she wants to hug.....HUG!!!! she's wearing nothing but my wifebeater and the damn girl wants to HUG!!! At this point my penis was wishing it was my foot instead so it could turn around and kick my ass! Fustration sets in and Mr. Penis does the talking for the rest of the nite....things were said...ahhh and well....she leaves Sun morning saying nothing to me while i act like the tough guy and say nothing back.............


So there you have it friends.....my $400+ week of rapturous BLUE BALLS ....so all you brave souls out there, word of advice about relationships.........DON'T TAKE MINE......cuz i ain't got a clue about how this shit works = )